I stepped out from my comfort zone, learnt how to become confident and to keep the positive mindset. I’m quite adaptive and talkative but for some reason I kept on being isolated. I don’t have childhood friends for they became all distant to me; those cousins of mine aren’t that open to me; I don’t even a bestfriend — a real one; and those college friends have their own businesses.
I’m here all alone, immersing myself with books and games. I want to extend my social life but myself is stopping me — I’m already used on this tranquility. Time molded me to become independent — to stand by myself without the recognition of others. Ironically, I want want to be recognized and appreciated however because no one could, I became numb.
As days goes by, I’m asking myself just like today “Why am I alone? Am I hard to love? Is there something with me? Am I not enough nor good-looking?” Various questions circling inside my head. What’s wrong with me, really?
I’m already tired of this loneliness. It’s suffocating. I longed for a warm love and sincerity but I’m so unlucky. Until today I’m asking myself. Am I not worthy to be loved? What is Love? What’s the feeling of being loved and unconditionally accepted.
I’m scared of my future. But, I’ll keep my heads high and smile. Regardless of this trivial adversary, I’ll liven without regrets. Whether, I’ll be loved or not. I’ll just put all my faith to God’s right time.
As we grew old, we experience changes; in life, views and personality.Those unchangeable things will suddenly melt into something brand new, this transformation will either be a good or bad one.
As I took step to a new journey in life and have widen my vision to a greater landscape. These unfamiliar world. Full of uncertainties. While, here I am, half scared and half excited. Scared of those big failures I might face, of those ordeals I might encounter at the same time, strong-willed to learn new things, to be knowledgeable onto the field I eagerly pursue.
I’m trying to adapt, gradually, I’m getting used to. In a new environment, I’m blind, slowly getting sight of the real world. But then, I smiled wholeheartedly, I love this. I want it. To learn and be well-honed individual. These is the start of creating my future, the beginning of… the real step, a walk into life.
I stumble onto something complex and unexpected. I was blinded of lies and false hopes that blocked my eyesight to see the beauty of my surroundings. The flowers bloom as spring brought another start for nature, the trees dances happily while various birds singing orchestrally, wind blows bringing forth the fragrance and fallen petals of blossoming flowers and rivers in tranquility calms the hot rays of sunny which resulted to astonishing rainbow symbolizing how colorful life is.
Failures and rejections were part of our life however it shouldn’t be considered a burden instead a encouragement and strength for us to walk forward and trail the rough and thorny road of the real world. No matter what happens I can’t change the past anymore but it’s never too late to change the end-result. There are always ways to amend those mistakes. Somewhere in my life I didn’t know that despite of the cruelty and corruption of the outside world. There is always a paradise waiting for all of us. The world may be the living hell but our experience will always change if we surrender ourselves to God and seek for His guidance and protection. Paradise.
My life was always full of memories and hopes in the past. Those experiences were the foundations of what I am today. And, those memories was also my hopes to continue striving and courageous in facing difficulties and ordeals in my life. But, everything changed like a bubble that bumped onto a thorny wall and dissipated instantaneously. These past weeks I have secluded myself and indulge into reading and other selfish desires. I lose my sense of time and enjoyed the whole day in my room. It was great to feel ghe freedom of burdens I have always dreamt of. Inside this small and messy room I could immerse myself in self-contemplation and reliazations which could help me to further develop my whole being especially in learning more who truly I am. I meditated almost everyday to release myself into pain and sufferig. I could see the scornful and hateful eyes around me, I can feel their feelings of disappointment to me. Whenever I look at them they were all swaying their heads and murmuring “Such a waste”. With these turn of events I became numb of all those eyes, comments and dissatisfactions. I am now selfish unlike the past where I am foolish and naive about everything. I was oblivious. Despite of those knowledge and achievement I had received I’m still inexperienced when it comes to such things. I became apathetic. A lot happened, birthday celebrations, reunions, social gatherings and even Christmas it all became a just a normal day to me. In fact it became just noisy and burdensome day for me. Still I need to pursue a higher degree of knowledge and comphrehend more about myself so that I could attain great achievements for my family. Despite of those negative and selfish things I still can’t think of leaving my family or even neglect them, they are my only ally; the one that could accept me unconditionally whatever I became to be they will be always there. But, the scar in my heart and soul that made me more insensitive with others feelings became more apparent to me. Only my family could melt these solid ice in my heart with their warm love. I think reading a LOT of books really helped me in improving my English skills. I just noticed that most of the words I have used above were from the novels I read.
Well, it’s unexpected! It’s been awhile again since I’ve posted a new post here. I’ve been busy with a lot of superficial things like forums, youtube, facebook, books and life. There’s a lot of things happening right now in my surrounding. Like my upcoming debut, my work? I don’t know if I could be accepted because I made them wait for my resume. Well, they can’t blame me since I got ill and I’ve been editing my resume for awhile now yet I don’t know what to add or revise there. Also, it’s too far from my place, my Mom and I, was debating if I should grab that opportunity despite of it’s distance from my hometown. I don’t know what to do. I do want to work but on the other side of my mind I don’t want to because I’m taking my MA Degree. Oh, well! Enough with this, gotta do some of my final project in one of my specialization class.
Why do people around me thinks that I’m what they expected me to be. They want me to be perfect, literally. They want me to be this and that. Be like this and be like that. Do this and do that. Why do they keep on controlling mostly everything about me?! I have my own decisions and interests. They are depraving all of my rights to decide for myself! And, if I didn’t comply to their expectations, I’ll be shunned by them and the neighborhood. All i wanted to do is be with myself, I admit that I’m pretty lazy and asocial. However, that’s just the tip of the iceberg even though they are my family or relatives they don’t know who really I am. I’ve been ignoring every criticisms, harsh comments and the like for my whole life. Now, they are nagging me why I’m shutting myself inside my room and will only go out to eat and do some nature’s call. If I were to tell them, I’ll say you can blame me. I’m tired of hearing your voices, complaints, nags, demotivating comments and comparison from your mouth anymore. I shut myself because here in my room I could be free to do everything I want.I bought my own pocketwifi so that you won’t nag me about using your wifi. I know that I’m just being sensitive but I had already burned enough patience on my candle and it’s already in the verge of dying into nothingness. I have considered your circumstances and everything that’s why whenever you asked me about what’s the problem to them I keep on shutting my mouth because I’m pretty sure they aren’t open for my blunt comments.
I tried joining your games and sorts, bond with you and endured your playful and sarcastic remarks to me but every time I did the same you’re always fuming.for that disrespectful(?) reply. I already know your personality when it comes to pridefully showing your wealth and how kind you were, you’ll do your best to show to other people your positive side(?). Such plasticity!
I had enough with this nonsense and idiotic games of yours. But, don’t you worry I’m not that shameless to forget about everything you did me. I’ll pay it back, those huge debts especially taking care of me, I’ll do the same. But, when it comes to being impossibly perfect which you expected me to be, that’s ridiculous! I’m not a God. Please, stop these delusions and fantasies.
I’m tired of this, I want to be lazy and do everything I want. If only those novels that I’ve read was true, I would just live there in that world. Earth is cruel and unfriendly especially its dwellers.
“The price of being a sheep is boredom. The price of being a wolf is loneliness. Choose one or the other with great care.”