The Dawn of all Happiness, the Night of all Daylight, the Opposite of Faith & the Feelings after Love.

Negative emotions swirling around my path to retribution. In all sides, there’s no hope but darkness. Numbing coldness chills through my bones; no warmth. Silence. It’s all about tranquility but not as relaxing like we’ve all aiming for. Deafening silence. Loneliness. I’m blinded by these darkness. Rejection.

I closed my eyes it’s black even if it’s open nothing could be seen. Whispers. Murmuring in my mind, “Why are you alone?”, “You’ve been forsaken”, “You’re pitiful”. I didn’t accept those voices “No!” I still have them… but then I pointed a place… but then I saw. Darkness. Nothing. I cried. But no one could see. I screamed but no one was able to hear.
Darkness just accompany me. You’re my one last friend.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes. The hardest to say, saddest to feel and painful to hear. Relationships end so as people dies. However, it is unbearable to say goodbye to the living. Wherein, you’ll part ways and seperate paths to trail.

When we go to separate fields of expertise; different industry; miles apart places; breakups. We leave our friends and colleagues, it is inevitable especially when one is pursuing a higher position or opportunities. I’m experiencing these.

I may seem apathetic in all social relationships and discussions but in fact I was the one who’s seriously concerned about them. I’m giving more than I could; the passion to success. Unfortunately, most of the times I fail to deliver it properly. There are always lapses and shortcomings that makes me feel distressed.

I want to make it perfect and proper as it is my responsibility as well as my credibility is at stake. Failures indeed strengthen us, hammering us until we get broad and impregnable. But, there are still heat that could melt us down which in this case our emotions.

No matter how hard we got sharpened, goodbyes are still mentally and emotionally inflicting us through. So, I will cry slightly then move on. As if it’s easy.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes. The hardest to say, saddest to feel and painful to hear. Relationships end so as people dies. However, it is unbearable to say goodbye to the living. Wherein, you’ll part ways and seperate paths to trail.

When we go to separate fields of expertise; different industry; miles apart places; breakups. We leave our friends and colleagues, it is inevitable especially when one is pursuing a higher position or opportunities. I’m experiencing these.

I may seem apathetic in all social relationships and discussions but in fact I was the one who’s seriously concerned about them. I’m giving more than I could; the passion to success. Unfortunately, most of the times I fail to deliver it properly. There are always lapses and shortcomings that makes me feel distressed.

I want to make it perfect and proper as it is my responsibility as well as my credibility is at stake. Failures indeed strengthen us, hammering us until we get broad and impregnable. But, there are still heat that could melt us down which in this case our emotions.

No matter how hard we got sharpened, goodbyes are still mentally and emotionally inflicting us through. So, I will cry slightly then move on. As if it’s easy.

#one Random

Everyone have their own ways of enjoying life, some might do mountain climbing, surfing, rave parties, travel etc.,. But, in contrary to this norm, introverts enjoys life with themselves like reading books, music and activities that enable them to be alone.

While, people are having a good time socializing with people. Here I am, enjoying my time with books; with myself. If you may ask me if I like it, no, it’s hard to be alone especially in times you seek someone whom you could laugh with; with common wavelength of interests and compatibility.

The world will continue rotating as our life moves forward endlessly. Along the road we will meet people; some might teach us, step us, love us and stay. It isn’t easy to find people who could understand our weirdness, our unique personality.

We all have our dreams seeking ways to achieve. But what if you’re aimless; don’t know what he wants to be. This is what young adults are facing. Career confusions. 

When I started walking through my dream work– in the corporate world. I faced a lot of challenges one of those is relationship. As a unico ijo  or an only child I wasn’t experienced when it comes to building a relationship. I’m a failure in this aspect in which HR professionals’ greatest asset.

I don’t know when and how I could develop this, perhaps, through continuous socialization with people. However, my environment doesn’t allow me to do so. I felt so incompetent in this field and it hinders my capability to grow. I don’t know how to create a better topic of conversation, I have a hard time adjusting my interests with others and I seriously lack sense of humor. It’s really hard especially when I’m in a faucet that requires excellent interpersonal skills. 

I want to get out of my comfort zone but how am I able to do such when my resources are limited. I wanted to go out and hangout with friends but they all have their own busy businesses. 

Now, I always ask myself. What to choose between all those faucet of HR. I want to try it all; I want to master it all. But, I don’t know where to start.

A day…

I wonder what my life would be if I’ve received the so called “Love”. I ask myself this question almost everyday.. every night. I shut myself in my room enjoying the company with myself and computer. I have indulge myself to various novels and games. I have rejected invitations for social gatherings and hangouts but I didn’t regret it. In fact, I felt relieved. This is the life I’ve had for several years and without restraint I enjoyed it. In some rare occasions, I felt lonely but it’s only temporary.

A lot of people asked if I already have a lover. “None” I said. Actually, they are doubting my sexuality since they never see me have a significant other. But, little did they know that I reason I keep on avoiding relationship is because it is too complicated. Besides, I have several attempts but it didn’t end well. Rejection sometimes friendzoned. With all of these painful experiences I asked myself “Do I really need to have a lover?”, “Is it necessary?”, “It’s fine being alone, right?”. Just recently, I have tried pursuing the one I like but usual it was a failure. Perhaps, there’s a problem with myself or I’m just too unfortunate.

Life is really unfair, in my case but it doesn’t mean I will dwell in this kind of problem for the rest of my life. This is the reason why I have the resolve to be with myself for awhile.. I don’t know how many years will it take perhaps another decade. They said I’m still young and inexperienced, well, yes I’m truly an idiot. I lack some common sense there are things that I’m clueless. Despite of my pursuit to higher knowledge I forgot the simple things. All these technicalities I have mastered and yet I neglected some easy things. Maybe, this the reason why I’m alone.

Avoidance

Loneliness, I’m used to it.

But why do people keep on avoiding me. I’m riding a bus, it was almost full and yet no one wants to sit beside me unless, they have no choice to. I’m asking myself do I smell bad? Do I look like evil or something like that. I won’t bother if this only happen once or twice however, it isn’t… whenever I rode buses they’re avoiding me for some reason. This makes me conscious of what’s wrong with me. 

What’s wrong? I don’t know… Oh! Please, tell me why! I’m in distress.