I wonder what my life would be if I’ve received the so called “Love”. I ask myself this question almost everyday.. every night. I shut myself in my room enjoying the company with myself and computer. I have indulge myself to various novels and games. I have rejected invitations for social gatherings and hangouts but I didn’t regret it. In fact, I felt relieved. This is the life I’ve had for several years and without restraint I enjoyed it. In some rare occasions, I felt lonely but it’s only temporary.
A lot of people asked if I already have a lover. “None” I said. Actually, they are doubting my sexuality since they never see me have a significant other. But, little did they know that I reason I keep on avoiding relationship is because it is too complicated. Besides, I have several attempts but it didn’t end well. Rejection sometimes friendzoned. With all of these painful experiences I asked myself “Do I really need to have a lover?”, “Is it necessary?”, “It’s fine being alone, right?”. Just recently, I have tried pursuing the one I like but usual it was a failure. Perhaps, there’s a problem with myself or I’m just too unfortunate.
Life is really unfair, in my case but it doesn’t mean I will dwell in this kind of problem for the rest of my life. This is the reason why I have the resolve to be with myself for awhile.. I don’t know how many years will it take perhaps another decade. They said I’m still young and inexperienced, well, yes I’m truly an idiot. I lack some common sense there are things that I’m clueless. Despite of my pursuit to higher knowledge I forgot the simple things. All these technicalities I have mastered and yet I neglected some easy things. Maybe, this the reason why I’m alone.