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want to write something interesting but I don’t have any idea on where I should start or  what to discuss.

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Random day

Earlier, on my way back home, I had to wait 2 hours for a Bus to send us back to our hometown. It was exhausting, I stood up for so long that my legs got stiff and endured the scorching heat of the Philippines. Also, if we were to add the hundreds of people waiting for different buses as well, the heat is truly suffocating.

Some people got lost searching the end of the lane, they even unintentionally cut the line. They didn’t even ask if they are on the right lane. I was annoyed when I saw them cutting the line especially I have waited for so long. And, yet no one initiate to correct them. People that witnessed it just feign ignorance as if they didn’t see anything. I was like Hey! We’re waiting here as well why can’t you properly line up, internally. It is unfair thus, I decided to ask the destination of the bus they were waiting. Moreover, I took the risk to correct them that they are cutting the line in a polite way. Good thing, they have admitted their mistakes and apologized afterwards moved to the end.

I just realized in this instance that a lot of people are either pretending to be blind or afraid of correcting others mistake. Perhaps, because they do not like retaliation of the other party. Still, it isn’t a valid excuse in this case. Imagined, you have suffered and waited for hours then some random guy just cut the line. It is unfair for everyone in the lane. It isn’t morally acceptable.

People are afraid of taking risks because of failures and negative views of others. Everyone hates failure and no one wants to deviate the accepted norms in the society because they might view you as weirdo or worst, outcast. Still, it is worthy to risk ourselves for righteousness. Telling the people what they have done wrong is also considered as caring although for some people who are narrow-minded they perceived it as something offensive and against them or just plain criticisms. But in reality,  they are only depraving themselves of personal development for they only accept compliments and not their flaws.

 

Inferiority

Time really flows too fast, the last time I look in the mirror I’m still a pitiful college student hoping for a passed grade. It was a rough struggle achieving my dream — to graduate. Next one, was to pass the Licensure Exam. Regretfully, I didn’t get the chance to enjoy that blissful feelings, I failed miserably. Perhaps, because all I did was to study halfheartedly while others were giving their best shots. And, that failure devastated me — it shattered my confidence.

Still, I didn’t give up. I thought that if I will pursue a higher degree I would be able to achieve the knowledge and achievement I always sought. I did my best sometimes not. But, life isn’t always that fair and stable. Again, I lost my confidence. I’m a newbie, a rookie without any experience in the actual field. I lack the essential quality to compete with other students. This hit me hard! The reality is cruel.

I stopped my pursuit and accumulated experience about through practice. I have learnt a lot on how to become more mature and dependable. I discovered the word responsibility, obligation and independence. I love the feeling to have someone look up for you. It is the greatest especially when I have achieved something and contributed to the development of the Team and Company. But, it was really short! The project ended. I lose the job. Another person with immense knowledge and experience in the field replaced me. Again, I was flattened by the reality.

Then, I tried to rest and look back to my Juniors. I’m proud at the same time pitied myself. I’m still nothing compared to what they have achieved now. I’m licenceless. They passed, I failed. Reality check. I’m a loser. I still have my pride as someone who is thirsty for knowledge and achievement. I was ashamed of myself for being incompetent. I didn’t just failed myself but also the people around me that continuously supported all of my endeavors most especially my parents. I know that this achievement would make them proud of me — it will make them happy. But, in the end, I failed them.

I don’t know what to do I did my best to study even so I was still here rotting at the corner of my room. I read a lot of books to help sustain my knowledge and devoured a lot of information just to hope that I would be able to attain knowledge of those specialists in the field.

Still, I am all knowledge but no practice. I am all talk, no action. It felt really bad. I wanted to be free of this shackles that held me for ages. I want to be confident of myself. No woman wanted to support me but my Mother.

I am all alone in this fight.

I am weak and inferior.

Nonetheless, I will fight!

I won’t lose this last thread of my hope.

Even it is rough, I will hold on.

Even though I am unarmed.

The only thing that drove me to trail this endless path of devilish struggle are the warm and welcoming smile of my Parents whenever I go home regardless of what I have achieved and; their reassuring words “It’s okay, you’re still the best for us”.

The Dawn of all Happiness, the Night of all Daylight, the Opposite of Faith & the Feelings after Love.

Negative emotions swirling around my path to retribution. In all sides, there’s no hope but darkness. Numbing coldness chills through my bones; no warmth. Silence. It’s all about tranquility but not as relaxing like we’ve all aiming for. Deafening silence. Loneliness. I’m blinded by these darkness. Rejection.

I closed my eyes it’s black even if it’s open nothing could be seen. Whispers. Murmuring in my mind, “Why are you alone?”, “You’ve been forsaken”, “You’re pitiful”. I didn’t accept those voices “No!” I still have them… but then I pointed a place… but then I saw. Darkness. Nothing. I cried. But no one could see. I screamed but no one was able to hear.
Darkness just accompany me. You’re my one last friend.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes. The hardest to say, saddest to feel and painful to hear. Relationships end so as people dies. However, it is unbearable to say goodbye to the living. Wherein, you’ll part ways and seperate paths to trail.

When we go to separate fields of expertise; different industry; miles apart places; breakups. We leave our friends and colleagues, it is inevitable especially when one is pursuing a higher position or opportunities. I’m experiencing these.

I may seem apathetic in all social relationships and discussions but in fact I was the one who’s seriously concerned about them. I’m giving more than I could; the passion to success. Unfortunately, most of the times I fail to deliver it properly. There are always lapses and shortcomings that makes me feel distressed.

I want to make it perfect and proper as it is my responsibility as well as my credibility is at stake. Failures indeed strengthen us, hammering us until we get broad and impregnable. But, there are still heat that could melt us down which in this case our emotions.

No matter how hard we got sharpened, goodbyes are still mentally and emotionally inflicting us through. So, I will cry slightly then move on. As if it’s easy.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes. The hardest to say, saddest to feel and painful to hear. Relationships end so as people dies. However, it is unbearable to say goodbye to the living. Wherein, you’ll part ways and seperate paths to trail.

When we go to separate fields of expertise; different industry; miles apart places; breakups. We leave our friends and colleagues, it is inevitable especially when one is pursuing a higher position or opportunities. I’m experiencing these.

I may seem apathetic in all social relationships and discussions but in fact I was the one who’s seriously concerned about them. I’m giving more than I could; the passion to success. Unfortunately, most of the times I fail to deliver it properly. There are always lapses and shortcomings that makes me feel distressed.

I want to make it perfect and proper as it is my responsibility as well as my credibility is at stake. Failures indeed strengthen us, hammering us until we get broad and impregnable. But, there are still heat that could melt us down which in this case our emotions.

No matter how hard we got sharpened, goodbyes are still mentally and emotionally inflicting us through. So, I will cry slightly then move on. As if it’s easy.